This is a practice for lovers to move into a more tantric, transcendent, transformational -- or just relaxed and exploratory -- connection.
Temple Time is sacred time or simply “time set apart” from regular life. It’s a practice to go deep with your lover. It’s also an incredibly powerful way to create a “container” in which something new can be birthed in your relationship.
Too often we wait until we feel connected or turned on to be intimate with our partner. This practice encourages you to trust that you can make the transition into a yummier mode together…even when deep, delicious connection seems far away.
The Overall Process:
• Choose a date, a time, and a place (likely just your bedroom in the beginning!)
• One person chooses the "door" you want to enter. That means that they choose the adventure or the experience. They decide what they want to have happen during Temple Time. It may be best to alternate so you are each choosing the door half the time. The person who chooses the door often prepares the space somehow.
• To begin, you do a ritual of letting go and taking up. (Details below.)
• Then when you are complete, head into your experiment-adventure. Be sure to have a time limit as it's ritual space and a clear sense of the boundaries will create a stronger container. And of course make it work for you!
• Afterwards, gather the data and discuss with your partner.
And now let’s dig into the nuances and details of the process, which are key for maximum pleasure and transformation….
Preparing for Presence - The Ritual of Letting Go and Taking Up:
• Stand across from one another at enough of a distance that you can walk in a satisfying circle.
• Walk counter-clockwise. Tell each other, "During this time, I am letting go of..." (eg. worrying about the kids, self-consciousness, the irritation I feel at how little time we’ve spent together recently). Go back and forth sharing what you are letting go of. Keep going until you have let go (just for the duration of Temple Time!) of resentments, worries, self-consciousness, old or current upsets.
• Then stop and go clockwise, telling each other, "During this time, I am taking up..." (eg. pleasure, intimacy, connection, delighting in my body, playfulness, feeling sexy and wild, faith that things will be ok, a palpable sense of gratitude and love for you, remembering how much you adore me…anything you want!)
Be sure not to skip the letting go and taking up part. This stage is key for shifting from regular consciousness to a new kind of awareness. And it’s also key for becoming fully present with one another — and there’s more possibility for deliciousness and transformation when you are present!
Even if you are a couple who is used to talking about your feelings, there is something about moving counter-clockwise and clockwise that creates a kind of magic. Counter-clockwise or moon-wise helps unravel an issue and moving clockwise helps to draw something to you and helps you inhabit new ways of being. Also, the process of letting go of friction and resentments simply for the duration of the experiment is powerful. We’ve had friends and clients who cleared out resentments they’d had for years and hadn’t verbalized — and they did it in a playful way!
The letting go & taking up part is incredibly helpful by itself anytime you are feeling prickly with one another. Sometimes Erik and I will do just this piece of the process when we are feeling distant or annoyed with each other. Or before a holiday meal or other special event when we want to be fully present. We always come out feeling closer.
Another lovely piece about the preparation for Temple Time is that you can arrive feeling nervous and irritated and overwhelmed by your day and slowly enter into a yummier mode. You don’t have to arrive feeling sexy and connected. You don’t just snap your fingers and become a lover! There is something very honoring to our animal bodies that need time to adjust and get in the mood.
Choosing the “Door”:
One of you chooses the “door” or experience-adventure-experiment each time.
Some examples of choosing “the door" are:
• I want you to kiss me all over for 20 minutes.
• I want to kiss you all over for 20 minutes.
• I want a massage.
• I want to play out a sexy scenario that I've come up with...
• I want to be touched gently from head to toe, sung to, and then have you go down on me and I will make absolutely no response whatsoever.
• I want to practice these hand job techniques on you from this Urban Tantra book without any expectation of it bringing you pleasure. I'm practicing!
• I want to tie you up and say mean things to you.
• I want to pay attention to the subtle energetics between us and build the energy by breathing together and focusing on opening our hearts.
• I want you to gaze into my eyes with a sense of love and wonder as you rub my body with oil.
• I want to go for a walk in the woods with you holding hands in silence.
• I want to make out with you against a tree in an ancient forest.
The “door” can really be absolutely anything that appeals to you.
Before you begin your Temple Time, be sure you are both in agreement on the experiment. At Shalom Mountain Retreat Center, where Erik and I met, they often say, “Ask for anything you want and be prepared to negotiate.”
When tuning in to your desires, check in with your animal body: do you want comfort or excitement? Do you want comfort then excitement? Is there something you’ve wanted to try but have been afraid to say aloud? Is there an edge for you that you’d like to explore?
Maybe if you tend to be the giver, you might want to have an experience of surrender. Maybe you tend to feel like you’re “too much” and you want to show up in your full fierceness and have an experience of being met there. Maybe you are curious about energy and want to focus all your attention on the most subtle sensations of your time together.
Don’t hold back. Ask yourself what you really desire in this moment and risk putting what you want out there.
One of Amelia’s teachers says, “If you ask your lover for milk but you really want whisky, your lover is always going to disappoint you.”
Give your lover a chance to respond to your authentic desires rather than censoring because you think you know what they will say. Even if you don’t end up doing exactly what you were yearning for, you are risking to be known. And who knows what the conversation might birth in a few weeks or months? Who knows what either of you might want or be up for a year from now? Or how simply speaking your desires might create unexpected happy ripples in other areas of your life?
There are endless possible experiments. The key is whatever will help you feel more alive and connected to yourself and your partner. Hopefully, just the act of trying something new will be pleasurable.
Gather the data:
Afterwards, set a time to debrief, either immediately or after a little break.
Reflect on your experiment: What was that like? What did the experience bring up for you? What did you learn? Did anything surprise you? What would you like more of? What did you do particularly enjoy and what would you do differently next time? Did that experiment stir up an idea for another experiment?
In our Tantra tradition, we hold that everything is an experiment so there are no big mistakes… just good information for next time. The only bad experiments are those where you don’t gather the data!
Explore & share!
Usually Temple Time is a time of great pleasure and connection. That said, some of Erik and my biggest learns and bonding have come from Temple Times that went awry or turned out to be not so pleasurable. Be curious and gentle with yourself as you explore all you stirred up…!
Summing up Sweetly:
We highly recommend that you set aside time for tenderness and cuddling if you had a more intense, less-snuggly kind of Temple Time.
Setting aside time and space for regular Temple Time with your Sweetie is a great gift to you individually and to your relationship.
Over and over, we’ve seen how this practice — in our own relationship and in our client’s relationships — helps to create a sense of faith that we can wind our way towards connection and pleasure — deep, surprising, delicious pleasure even when those things feel very far away.
Experiment! Enjoy!
If you'd like more couples experiments, download this Couples Playbook.
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